I’m glad I saw the Three Day Quote Challenge from Deb earlier. Focusing on that helped quell some of my anger. I was so pissed off earlier that I had to take half of a Xanax to stop my shaking.
It normally takes a lot to get me that pissed off, but the one thing that will do it faster than anything else is for someone to lie to me and I find out. Some might argue that the lie was just a small fudge, not an outright lie, but it still hurt and pissed me off when I found out.
My baby sister and I are 12 years apart in age and as adults we’ve never been really close. I’ve made repeated efforts to change that over the years and I still get shunned. The only time she includes me in anything is when it’s a family event, when she really can’t get out of it. So while it still confuses me why she rejects me, I’ve gotten used to it.
I live in a room at my oldest sister’s house and I have no car until I get some money saved up, which means I have to borrow her car when she is off work to do my shopping and errands. I hope I get the retroactive approval on my disability application so I can get a vehicle and get back into a place of my own. While I appreciate M keeping me from ending up homeless when my life took a nasty turn, after two years it’s getting old and the stress factor is increasing.
Yesterday, I asked if I could borrow the car to make a trip to Big Lots and explained what I was looking for so I wasn’t going to be gone long. She said they (I thought meaning just her and my BIL) were leaving soon. To me, soon means within the next hour at least. When I asked M when they would be back, she said, “Late.”
I asked, “Where are you going?” Her reply was, “Out with some friends.” I told her, “Good for you. Y’all need to relax.”
So I made a quick run to a nearby convenience store and came right back. Three hours later my BIL was finally taking his bath and getting dressed. I was irked because I could have done my brief shopping trip and been back long since. But I didn’t say anything. They, including my nephew, left about 6:00. They were back about 8:00 (that’s late!?!). I didn’t say a word, just stayed in my room. I had a proofing job to work on anyway.
Then today I saw on J’s Facebook page pictures of her, her new boyfriend, her kids and grandkids, plus M, my BIL and my nephew, taken at a restaurant last night.
Like I said, I’m used to baby sister ignoring me and not including me, but it hurts that M thought she had to lie to me. It would have hurt less if she had simply told me the truth about them being invited to dinner with J and crew. It’s certainly not like I’ve ever begged to go out with them somewhere. I just really don’t understand why she felt it necessary to lie to me.
I haven’t said anything to her yet. When I’m upset or pissed I have trouble talking without crying and then I get told, whatever the situation, that it’s nothing to cry about.
Guess I better close this out. Supper’s ready and my belly is growling. Maybe I’ll say something afterwards.
I did speak up, but I might as well as have saved my breath.
Me: “Why did you feel it necessary to lie to me about last night?” Her: “They are our friends.”
Me: “I know you and she get along better.” Her: “I didn’t want you to get your feelings hurt.”
Me (starting to cry): “I wouldn’t have been hurt. I’m used to J not wanting me around.” Her: “Yes, you would. You’d be acting like you are right now. It had nothing to do with you, anyway. She doesn’t want any of the family around her new boyfriend yet. We only met him last night.”
Me: “No, I wouldn’t. It hurt more that you lied to me.” Her: “Yes, you would. I know you. You’re blowing this all out of proportion!” And she walks away without another word, almost slamming my bedroom door.
I am so fecking tired of my family judging me based on the way I was 30 years ago! As someone who is affectionate, a hugger, and open to new things and ideas, I certainly don’t fit in with my ultra-conservative, uptight family.