I realize I have been noticeably (or not) absent for the most part over the last month, even missing a couple of my Sunday Do You Remember? posts. I’m trying to pull myself out of this funk I’ve been in since the middle of May. I could list a whole host of reasons why I’m in this funk, but I’m not sure I wouldn’t be making excuses instead of stating reasons. In truth, I’m not really sure why I’m in this gray place right now.
These are the things I do know:
- I felt like I was drowning once I finished the AtoZ Challenge because there were so many emails (mostly with post alerts) I put off reading to complete the challenge once I got behind. Some part of me just wasn’t willing to skip reading even one because all the ones I get notices on are my favorites. But looking at the total count (you don’t want to know) I think it was discouraging, plus there just weren’t enough hours in the day or week to read them all. When it finally dawned on me that nobody but me would know I hadn’t read them and I was only making things harder for myself I deleted most of them. My mailbox looks so much better now and I have breathing room.
- This funky weather is causing almost constant pain due to my fibromyalgia and it’s wearing me down.
- I feel like I can’t think my way out of a wet paper bag most days.
- I’m struggling with grief following my nephew’s suicide. I understand why he did it, but that doesn’t make the loss any less painful.
- The same day we celebrated Stephen’s life, I received a denial letter from Social Security for my disability claim. So now the appeal process starts and the wait continues.
- I’m bored and lonely. I live with my sister and everyone is at work during the day. I have no vehicle and we live in a country-like area where there is no bus service so there’s no way for me to get out and go anywhere. The weather, mosquitoes, and health issues make it difficult be outside and walk much.
- I really, really, really miss working. Even if the work wasn’t the most challenging I was around people and feeling that I was doing something productive, earning my keep so to say.
- Out of sight is truly out of mind, or those who said they were my friends weren’t true friends. I gave up calling anyone and asking them to come visit. They always had excuses and nobody just called to say “hi, how are you doing?” Even those I left behind in Kansas are no longer even emailing or returning calls. Distance, in this case, does not make the heart grow fonder. I miss those hour+ calls, too.
- If my mom was still alive she would be telling me to get off my pity pot. Maybe that’s what this funk is about, but I don’t think so. I’m taking my meds, including an antidepressant, but I just don’t have any “oomph” lately. Most days I don’t even bother to get dressed until late afternoon, just lay in bed and surf the internet on my tablet until it runs out of juice. Then I plug it in and get moving some, do a skitch of housework, take care of my cat (the one who tromps all over me at night) and finally turn on the TV. I can either sit in the chair in front of the computer or lay on the bed. Sitting too long in my office chair makes me hurt, so I usually end up laying on the bed to watch TV.
On another front, changes are coming to this blog! When I first started blogging I just chose a name (Myndrover’s Musings) based on an email handle I was using. If you’ve been with me since I got more serious about blogging in September of 2015, you know that it became Myndrover’s Ramblings. In January of this year it evolved yet again to its current form (Knotholes and Textures).
One of the things I love about reading is coming across a new word, like frisson, that causes me to look up the definition to understand the context for its use. I recently came across a word that just rolled off the tongue in my mind, but when I found out what it means I knew without a doubt that I had, at last, found the best name for my blog. The name appears as part of other blog names (one on WordPress), but mainly appears on Blogspot and none of the blogs are even similar to mine so I feel comfortable in claiming it for my own blog.
I have finished designing the header and will probably make the change over the weekend. The change will be only in the header and name, not the address. I may tweak the sidebar a bit, also. I’m not planning any other major changes before the new dotblog domain becomes available, at least. In the meantime, I’m trying to learn more HTML and CSS coding so I can really [wait for it] “Pump … it up!” [SNL fans should recognize that phrase.]