I read the following statement on Twitter today. “The universe is like a lottery, and all of you win it by having been born into it, and yet most people want a refund at some time or other.” Well, I’m ready for my refund.
I‘m really struggling with my depression. My living and transportation situation is becoming increasingly untenable, not to mention the finances. I feel like nobody needs me, wants me or even cares. If not for my faith and hope, and the friends I’m making here, I would be gone. Those are just the facts.
Why is it that I am so good at helping others through their rough spots but I can’t seem to help myself? Why is there nobody here for me?
I will be turning 65 in a few months so I’m also having to make decisions about my healthcare that my brain doesn’t feel up to handling lately. Then today I found out that my beloved doctor is retiring (he’s in his mid-50s) next month so I also have to find a new doctor. I frickin’ HATE having to change doctors. It’s so hard to find someone who really listens and doesn’t just rush you through and/or discount your concerns due to age or weight. I’ve been through that before. I was so glad when I returned to Texas that Dr. Bob was still in practice. I feel like I’m losing another friend.
Somehow, though, I do manage to not sleep all day, just stay in bed much of it. I do what I have to for myself – such as laundry, and what I’m physically able to do around the house, but I can’t find the energy to do much else. When I’m not in pain, it’s too hot to even try much walking during the day and evenings are too mosquito-ridden.
I’m just tired, worn out. I’m tired of being sick and in pain. I’m tired of being alone, of being lonely, of feeling useless, of feeling unwanted, of feeling unneeded. I want my independence back and to feel I’m doing something worthwhile.
So say a prayer for me. Maybe if I try to write a flash/micro story it will help. It’s helped some just getting this off my chest tonight. Thanks to all of you for always being there to listen when nobody else will.